Prom (and other) Hopes Dashed

king-of-pain2

Written March, 1990 – Age 15

Chris has been talking to this girl Donna a lot more and I was getting jealous.  I was quite discouraged, and realized I hadn’t been really encouraging him much, so I decided to fix that.

Me and Melissa planned a hike with a picnic lunch.  Melissa would take Shawn and I would take Chris.  I was excited and she could go and Shawn could go.  I just needed to ask Chris.

I should have called him but I wanted it to be in person, so I waited until History class.  Finally he came in, and he could probably tell that I was extremely nervous.

I was about to back out but remembered how it was Monday on the field trip, and put it in my mind that he wouldn’t have sat by me if he didn’t like me.

So, I was halfway through my rehearsed sentence asking him if he wanted to go on a hike tomorrow when he said he was busy.  I wasn’t listening as he told how he had to go to some scout thing.  I felt myself turning red fast, and wanted to leave.

He put his arm around me and asked if he could take a rain check.  I mumbled something and left with Kathy Jenkins to the lockers.  Once there I kicked a locker hard.  Oh, the agony of rejection.

Then I went home, found out I wasn’t going to prom (Jessica’s mom had accidentally called my mom to talk about prom, not knowing my mom didn’t know I was going) and I was grounded for a week.  I had to come straight home from school all week.  No friends or activities.

I went to my room, turned out every light to make it pitch black, crawled under the covers head first and cried and cried while listening to “King of Pain.”

Prom Hopes

Dress-MichelleWritten March, 1990 – Age 15

So I stayed over at Jessica’s house on Monday. I called home to tell mom I was all right, but that I was staying over at a friends house.  I didn’t tell her who.

I had a great time until mom showed up late at the door.  I told her I was staying and she made some smart aleck remark and left.  I found out she had called all my friends to find me and now they all thought I had run away.

I stayed at Melissa’s the next night.  We went to Shawn’s house to watch Phantom of the Opera.  I then found out from Jessica that I was all set up to go to prom with her date’s cousin!  She had a picture and he was really cute.  I was so excited and so was Melissa.

I had to stop by my house to get my stuff like a toothbrush and clean socks.  Mom said if I would go with them to talk to the bishop, I could go back to Melissa’s.  So, I went.  They were crying and I hated being in this depression.  I wanted to get back to Melissa’s and be excited about prom again.

Well, we left and dad said, “I guess now that it’s all cleared up you won’t be needing a ride to Melissa’s.”  I reminded them of their promise and I still wanted to go.  Mom was crying and I wanted to get away.

I got my stuff and snuck in my sister’s prom dress from a couple of years ago and went to Melissa’s.  All of Melissa’s sisters were there.  I was so excited and I got to tell them all about prom.

Dress-Melissa
I modeled my prom dress for Shawn who was over.  He left and I went to bed.  The next day, I borrowed Melissa’s clothes along with a denim skirt I had bought at the Mall with Melissa, and that my parents wouldn’t let me wear because it was barely above the knee. After school, I went to detention with Shawn, Melissa, and Rob because I didn’t want to go home.  Also my luggage was still at Melissa’s.  On our way out we found Chris who asked for a ride home.  We all rode to Melissa’s in Shawn’s pickup.
We played tag at Melissa’s house and I always lost because I was wearing a skirt.  It was fun anyway.  Mom picked me up even though I hadn’t asked her to and we went home.
So I’ve flipped out over this guy, Chris.  Me and Melissa had this bet going where whoever gets the worst grade point average buys the other a huge thing of ice cream.  Melissa’s grades were going down because she was twitterpated with Shawn, but now I’m basically the same so we’re even.

Fieldtrip Feelings

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Written March, 1990 – Age 15

What a day Monday was.  I went to English class and our teacher said we could go on a field trip to see a play at another school.  He said he could make an excusal list for anyone willing to miss third-fifth periods.

I didn’t really want to go.  I wanted to talk to Chris to see why he wasn’t at the dance.  I wasn’t going to, but then decided I needed the extra credit so I signed up to leave.

I went to my locker to put away my stuff and go around to tell my teachers where I would be.  I wasn’t aware of anyone beside me until I heard a voice say, “You look pretty lonely in this picture.”

I whirled around to see Chris looking at a Polaroid of me in my locker.  We laughed about the picture and I started to feel my face turn red.  I don’t know why it does that.  It just does for no reason.

Anyway, we talked and I told him I got to miss school to see the play.  Then I found out he had signed up too!  Well, he went to his locker to get his lunch and I brought a bag of goldfish crackers and Melissa’s tic-tacs (emergency measures).

We hopped on the bus.  He sat down on one of the seats and I wasn’t sure if he wanted to sit by me, so to be safe, I took the seat in front of him.  “Oh, this seat has lumps,” he said, moving up by me.  Subtle.

Then he said, “Oh look, it looks like the flag is connected to that building.”  I didn’t even see the flag.  “Well, you have to look at it from over here,” he said.  Being the genius that I am, I finally got the picture and moved a little closer to him, playing along with the whole game.  It was pretty fun.

We talked on the way and I noticed his brown eyes.  We were talking about hair colors and he ran his fingers through my hair.

Coincidentally enough, that morning Alicia wanted to put hairspray in my hair.  I didn’t want her to, saying that if a guy wanted to run his fingers through he would get stuck. She assured me that no guy was going to today.

We got there in the sunshine and went over on the grass by a tree to eat lunch.  It lasted only a few minutes when our teacher led everyone into the building.  We watched the play, then went to get back on the bus.  I walked a little closer to him on the way out.
When we got on the bus there were no more empty seats so we couldn’t talk on the way home.

I got back to school and talked to Jessica at lunch.  I was hating home, and she said I could come over to her house to stay over.

I met her after school by the flagpole.  Chris was walking this way and Jessica was elbowing me.  I got mad and told her to stop it ‘cause she was being obvious.

“I thought I’d find you here,” he said, and sat down by me.  We had only a few minutes before Jessica’s sister came and we had to go.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the reason Chris wasn’t at the dance is because he couldn’t find it.  I told him I would have called him but couldn’t find his number.  He gave me his number but I wasn’t really listening.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Written March, 1990 – Age 15

Oooooh, the pain of disappointment.  Chris wasn’t there.  He had said he was coming all week.  I don’t know what happened.  I didn’t know his number or I would have called to tell him to meet at Jessica Stewart’s house.  I looked for him for an hour and we decided he wasn’t there.  Its strange, but I actually missed him.  Monday Melissa asked if I liked him and I could honestly say “oh, he’s so so.”  But now, I actually missed his smile and the way he laughs.  This is the first guy I’ve liked that actually might like me back.  The problem with me is I get jealous if he talks to other girls, even though we’re not ‘going together’ or anything.  I worked so hard today to make sure I looked perfect for the dance.  Aaaarghh.  I even liked the dress I was wearing and everything.  I miss Chris.  I was hoping for a slow dance.  I suppose I’ll have to wait until Monday for anything.  I danced lots of fast dances just in our circle of friends.  None with a guy

So Are We Girlfriend-Boyfriend Now?

Hug

Written March, 1990 – Age 15

On Tuesday, Chris came up to my desk in history to talk.  I sluffed 7th period seminary to talk to Melissa about the night before.  We were laughing because Melissa saw me ask Chris to open my grape crush, and had to stop from laughing.  On Wednesday Chris just talked to me in history some more.  Thursday was interesting.  I came in to class and he said “hi” and put his arms around me.  I just stood there, arms to my sides.  I was confused and thought to myself, “so are we girlfriend-boyfriend now? I wasn’t notified.”  He stepped back, confused, and said he needed so many hugs for the day or something like that.  I smiled and gave him a hug back.  I tried to act natural, but it was the first time a boy had ever given me a hug.

Chris sat in the desk in front of me in history today.  We’re all going to the Stake dance tomorrow.  I wish I could know what it’ll be like.  You’re lucky cause you can just read the next page but I want to know now.  I’m a little worried because there will be vast numbers of girls coming with us and only 3 guys:  Shawn, belonging to Melissa, Rob, to his girlfriend, and Chris… basically community property.  I don’t like that.  I shouldn’t be possessive of just a friend, but I really liked it when no one else was there being a flirt and bugging me to death.  Oh well.  Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Study Session

studying-01

Written March, 1990 – Age 15

It’s Friday!  Yea!  First, I simply must tell you about Monday.  Melissa Cooper invited me over to study History with Shawn (her boyfriend) and his friend Chris Thomas.  I talked to Melissa because I was concerned it would be uncomfortable or like a double date.  She said she wouldn’t do anything.  She didn’t, but Shawn did.  He was playing in her hair and whispering to her and putting his arm around her. In other words, not doing any History.
I could see Chris getting a little uncomfortable as we worked on history vocabulary.  So, I suggested we play a game.  Melissa agreed and suggested we play scattergories in teams (ooo, I wonder who is on what team?).  Me and Chris sat on one side of the table trying to think of words beginning with “h” while Melissa and Shawn, now that they had something to do, behaved.
It lightened up after that and we were laughing and having a great time.  We decided to go to Smiths for some snacks.  We hopped in the car with Shawn driving and Chris trying to reach over the front seat and change the station.  Shawn put his arm around Melissa. Chris said, “Should we be trend followers?” and laughed.  Later Melissa told me that’s how a guy tests the water, and pretends like its all a joke so as not to be hurt.  I don’t know.  Could be.
Anyway, we bought some Grape Crush and Doritos and went back to Melissa’s.  Melissa pointed out that both Shawn and she had blonde hair, and me and Chris had brown hair. She was trying to pair us up royally but I actually didn’t mind.
I unscrewed the cap to my Grape Crush, but then screwed it back on, thinking of the talks I heard at BYU youth conferences saying how guys like to feel strong and needed.  So I screwed it back on and asked Chris to open it for me, but he had more trouble than I did! He had to get Shawn to open it for him!
I had to get home so Shawn drove me while Chris stayed until midnight.  Melissa said she wanted to have another study party without studying.  Hey, but I studied.  I could tell you the color of his eyes, what he was wearing, anything.

Mom Problems

Written September, 1989 – Age 15

Here I am, in my bed with an electric blanket on and a typewriter on my stomach at noon. I have to do a devotional for next Thursday in Seminary.  I’m worried because everyone else has borne their testimony on a devotional and I don’t want to….

Yesterday I went with Todd Davis (Emily’s boyfriend and friend of the family)  to the church to pick up some things he left there.  A man walked up to us and I didn’t know who it was, but Todd greeted him like he was someone important, and he seemed to have a special spirit about him as he shook my hand.

“Hello Brother Ballard. “ Todd said, “what brings you out here?”

“The scouting program.” he replied.  It was then that I found out he was Russel M. Ballard, an apostle of the Lord.

In seminary we were asked to fill out a questionnaire.  One of the questions was what lessons would you like taught this year.  I put “do spirits have genders?  if so, did they have genders before their spirits were born and they were intelligences?  Brother Reed told me yesterday that there was someone not LDS in our class, and that they would be lost if the teacher tried to answer my questions.

Interruption:  Mom just told me to get dressed.  I said I’d get up after I finish writing.   She pulled the typewriter off me, grabbed my arm and pulled me out of bed.  I got dressed and here I am back to typing, but my mom wants me to do a job for her.

I’m back.  It has been 2 hours.  I’m hurt because I tried to tell my mother my feelings and she laughed at me.  She does this when Emily is around because then Emily laughs too.  It hurts and I’m crying.  She says things to make Emily laugh like, “Will you please vacate the premises.”  Dad walked in when I was bursting out in tears because of all this, and now I probably won’t be able to go to the fair.  I did my Saturday job and an extra yard job and now mom wants me to clean a huge pile of dirty clothes in my room.  I said I can’t because Emily is doing her wash. Mom said in an evil way “You’re funny.”  It was more like saying “You’re sneaky” or “you’re stupid to think of that.” I feel like saying “I hate you!”  I wanted Emily to leave but she says things like, “Its a free country,” and they laugh again seeing me in tears of anger.

My feelings are a long stemmed crystal glass

Resting on the edge of the table
The party horn honks loudly,
Unrolling its scroll and shoving the glass off the edge
Toppling the fragile article
Smashing the pieces
Scattering them across the dirty, wood floor
The streamers flutter down to mock the glass

As one small tear rests on a broken shard.